Not coping

Lots of stress signs: bursting into tears, sleeping heavily and intermittently with mad dreams, snapping at everybody, stomping about in a bad temper. Heart rate is high. Feel fat fat fat and miserable. Tumbling thoughts and HEARING THINGS. Want to switch off.

I just can't cope with mum any more. Little of what she says makes sense. Even when I am not with her she calls, calls, calls. She can't work the tv any more. She can't follow a diagram or written notes either, we tried that. She says she has been hallucinating for 4-5 weeks, seeing people who are not there, faint people with white outlines.

I have seen her every day since 5th March. There is no help; social services say that as she can go to the lavatory herself with no need of help, she doesn't get a carer, and I get no help. That's it. Oh, they did offer grab rails for the bath, which she already has, or meals-on-wheels at £3.50 a day for lunch, which she tried, and we cancelled after a few weeks because she called them "foul" and refused to eat them.

So that's it then.

I told my GP, in tears, that I wasn't coping. She told me, oh well, you'll have to put her into a home then.

I asked the neurologist 2 weeks ago, and she told me to ask the churches.

I am almost giving up. Except I can't, can I? Because who else is there? I think I shall end up going to the wall. I'll reach the point where I can no longer see that I can't, and I'll take every pill I can find, altogether, at once. And then the authorities and relatives who SHOULD help will HAVE to come and pick up the pieces, won't they? There doesn't seem to be any other way out of this relentless situation.

Hanging on by my fingernails for Luvbug and Scooter ;)

Thank you for all the support out there. Some of you have even given your phone numbers- I am very moved that you would do so as that very generous of you. I do have an emergency number to ring if I get to 'that' stage. I might be up ringing it in the middle of the night quite soon.

Sorry to post such misery near Christmas. Even our little tree gave up the ghost! We will try to return it to the shop tomorrow....



CARFTERING has been updated too, if you can bear it!!!

New blog address

As mentioned recently, I'm going to try to get this blog back to crafting and drawing. I'll still talk about stuff that affects my bi-polarness, but I want to shift stuff about Mum's illness to somewhere private.

Here is the new blog's address- http://carftering.blogspot.com

I'll eventually change it to invited readers only, but for now it's open to anyone, just while I get it all set up. Have a look, see what you think. I haven't done all the tabs yet; working on it.

Second post, today, follows..... :)

The trick is, to do little things, little and regularly.

-It's true.

My days lately seem full, wall to wall. No time for anything. I am either looking after mum or chasing up people whose job it is to help me look after her (and getting nowhere). But I have been leaving my craft stuff out by my chair and some evenings I manage to do a little. Leaving it to hand helps. I have craft magazines next to the bed, too. I find I can't read my history books any more, and novels are hopeless.

Luvbug has bought me a tiny sewing machine, as I have notions of making wee little fancy notebooks, perhaps as gifts for people. I have yet to make any start, as I can't thread or use the dam' thing!!! But I have bookmarked a video on You Tube that shows how :)

Isn't it dinky? Well, you know that Bob is an 8inch Bear, so judge for yourself!


Another lovely arrival in the post recently was these stamps from the now closed Elzybells. They were a quarter their original price..... oh look, that Bear's got in the photo again, with the other Xmas stamps I've dug out...

I've made a few gift tags. In the hopes that I may be able to buy pressies early this year as in others, I will need these to wrap them up, won't I?

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If you're wondering why I've put a countdown to my birthday at the top of my blog, it's because I've been on a diet for weeks and so I want to know how long I have wait for a bit of cake.

Not much in the way of results so far. I lost 7lb then put 3 back on. D0n't know how, as I have been very strict.

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Most of the time mum is ok till about 1pm, albeit with lots of phone calls to and from me. Then she will be with me till about 9pm, me staying at her place till early evening, then she comes to our place for dinner......

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Jobs around the house are too numerous to even bother putting on a to-do list. I manage to keep on top of the laundry and cook a meal each night but that's about it. Everywhere needs vacuuming and dusting and tidying. Easy to say, oh let it go, but I am worried about it all, as there is no way of knowing when mum will have to move in with us. When will her next attack come? When will she have to move in?

Meanwhile the house is falling apart around my ears, looking more and more like a student squat and adding to my depression. But I just don't have the time or the energy......

This week I have taken more hours out of the time I spend on the home, as I have finally begun driving lessons. I had my first on Monday morning. My second is this Friday. The instructor said I'm doing OK.

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Lately I have been in tears and literally on the floor as I have been so stressed out and tired by the relentless ongoing-ness of this carer role I suddenly have. Typing it here makes me feel stupid. Some people do it all and have kids to take care of, too, so what am I moaning about?

I am thinking about doing an 'invited readers only' blog for the caring part of my life, to keep it a little private, and also to free up this blog for the lighter side of things!!!! You'd be welcome to ask for the way in, just email me. I'll let you know when it's up and running.....

Still here.

I've been avoiding blogging because I've been feeling so low and don't like doing negative posts. Then I thought, hmmm, better say SOMETHING or people might worry I'd fallen off the side of the earth of something. No, still here. Hanging on. Just. But mostly because of a sense that I have to.

After rallying for a while, my mum seems to be slipping a wee bit.

Today we were having cups of tea in a cafe. She saw a man using his mobile phone and she started acting very strangely. When I asked what was wrong, she became very secretive, looking all around, then whispering to me that this man was using his phone. Then she tutted loudly and shook her head. She told me she hoped the police weren't around- that's who she had been looking for- because it isn't allowed. "WHAT isn't allowed? Using his phone?"- I couldn't believe it.
"Well, they say it isn't allowed."
"Who says?"
"They say."
"Um, no, it's OK. It's only not allowed if you're driving."
"Hmm." she wasn't convinced and kept looking at him.
I repeated myself, "It's only illegal if you're driving, mum."
There was no smile, or "Oh! Of Course!", no realisation came, which it usually does, when she gets something wrong. I don't think she was at all convinced. Yet I have a mobile phone, which she rings, and she has one too, although she can't use it any more, she still gets it out sometimes and looks at it, and tells us we'll have to teach her how to use it (which we do, countless times). So why this sudden suspicion of mobile phones?

We dropped her off this evening and she keeps ringing about strange worries. I don't want to tempt fate, but I have a feeling that there might be something big and nasty up ahead.

Still no word on those medications that could help slow things down, and no appointment in sight. I have written to the neurologist myself today, to try to speed things up.

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Things are slowly moving towards autumn all around us. The nights are drawing in. My personal worry is simply this; that if I am feeling low and tearful already, how will it be when the days are all dark and cold?

Trying to do things one day at a time here. One day at a time. Not much gets done, though, not when you have to be with someone else most of the day. The house is a wreck, which really doesn't help my head at all, but I just don't have the time and energy to keep on top of it all. I need a helper and despite all the feelers I put out months ago, there just aren't any.